I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
