highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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