Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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