I wish my penis had an off switch
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
