You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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