Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
