My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
