Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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