I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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