My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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