mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize