How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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