Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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