when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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