I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
