We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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