if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize