I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
