Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
