My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
If I die, sorry about rent.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
