my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
