Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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