i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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