I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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