I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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