just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
