he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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