Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize