There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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