I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
