problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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