oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
