I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
