I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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