Pants 0. Shit 1.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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