Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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