anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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