My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just had sex on a roof
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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