Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize