the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
