Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize