this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
