good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
