some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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