I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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