he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
