dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
