So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize