Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
please don't ironically join a cult
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