Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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