I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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