8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize