There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
