I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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