I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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