I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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