The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
